Midnight thoughts

Sorry if Im rambling, but I have these thoughts that keep circling around and its helps to write it out, so here it is.

I didn't sleep well, pent up sexual tension was bubbling at the surface keeping me from sleeping soundly. My dreams kept circling Him and the hold He has on me. Some days I feel so helpless, my life a whirlwind with Him as my rock. Other days I am confident and secure in everything, except for where I stand with Him. I cherish Him like no other, my absolute love and respect sometimes scares me. I want to give my whole self to Him but it's so hard to let go and put down my guard. He wants me to tell Him what I need but I can't seem to easily share those deep dark secrets without the fear of judgement.

Do I really think He will judge me? (no I guess I don't, but I have a very hard time trusting) How do you step over that line between what you know and what you need? I think I just need a hard shove over the divide.

As Conina said last weekend, as a submissive woman, it's so important to not force you own desires onto your Dom. I know what I deeply need and want, it's just getting it out in the open is the hard part. I don't want to influence Him but if it doesn't come out then eventually resentment sets in and we all know there is no room for that in anyone's relationship. It has been a long journey to where we are now and we still have a long way to go. That's part of the fun though, the learning and the trial and error.

In my experience, most men (and women) can be put into three categories: submissive, passive and dominant. I have been in relationships with all three in the past and here is what Ive learned. Two submissives is just a mess. Two people who physically, mentally and sexually need to be dominated pretending that its okay to give up what you really need. A submissive and a passive person can make it work for a time but I don't think either are ever really content. A submissive and a dominant works great as long as you are open about your needs and boundaries. Opposites attract people! lol

TTWD to me is something that you either fall into naturally or are brought into by someone. For us, my submissiveness is an ingrained part of who I am but Him as a Dom is a learned practice. I brought Him into this, no remorse either. We have a much stronger marriage because of TTWD (especially lately now that I have another outlet to explain my feelings). People that know us think that we have such a great relationship and that we never fight. I just prefer to keep my dirt at home and not aired out for others to see. We have our own share of problems that we have had to work through but I'm very happy with where we are now. 

Even though it took us a few trys to make this work, I kept coming back to Him because He has a hold on me like no other. Even when we hadn't seen each other in years and were with other people, I was drawn to him. He is my alpha. :)

I'm not going to pretend like I'm the perfect sub because lord knows I'm not. I don't always listen to and do what He says but that's just part of who I am. If one day I started bowing down to Him and jumping at His every command, I bet He would call the doctor to see if I was sick. lol I need to test my boundaries every once in awhile, plus its fun to see him get all riled up. Discipline and maintenance is a huge part of what keeps me sane. I work at a very stressful place and sometimes carry that over to my home life. Maintenance brings me back to my happy place, reminds me where I belong and that I am loved and cared for. Discipline is just that, discipline. People tend to behave better if they know there are consequences. I have always needed someone to answer to or I tend to not behave very nicely. :)

I guess in the end what Im trying to say is that I love being submissive to my husband and I want to serve him in everyway. I will just about bend over backwards to make him happy. I try to obey Him, but that doesnt always go as planned and if I doesnt then I need consequences.