After a long talk last night with Him I'm feeling sad and alone. This is one of those times I wish I had someone that does TTWD to talk to. I appreciate all the people that come here to read and comment and of course the silent readers too. If it wasn't for all of you I think I would go batty.
I have been feeling very unsettled lately, like we are on two different planets. I crave more submission, not in our play (because that has been AMAZING!) But in our daily life. We get so little time together during the work week that by the weekend I'm wound up, annoyed and just plain unpleasant. I need to feel His presence even when we can't be together, for my own sanity. I tried (poorly) to explain that last night and I don't feel like I was very successful. I went to bed with a heavy heart. I always feel so stupid and clumsy when I try to open myself up. I get that TTWD was basically just dropped in His lap, I have lived this life for a long time and desperately wanted to share it with Him. I wouldn't have married Him if I didn't think He could be my Dominant some day.
I just wish I had been honest from the beginning, maybe I wouldn't feel like I'm drowning now. Who knows?
Oh yes - this is a feeling I know well and I have no resolution, so I can't help.
ReplyDeleteBUT, I do know this is a process, so I try to strap in and let it take me where it can go.
I have noticed that we all seem to circle back to this same issue at times. I just have to learn some patience.
DeleteI think we all feel this way sometimes - but try not to rush it. There's so much social conditioning for him to shed on this. I actually suggest writing to him rather than talking to him, though. With speech it's so much easier for him to start to feel defensive, like he's not enough for you, when that's not quite what you're trying to tell him.
ReplyDeleteFeel free to email me too, if you like.
(my captcha is egoster 20. Hm.)
I did write everything down and then we talked about each thing on the list. I just get so nervous talking out loud about all of this. Strange, because I have no problem acting it out and neither does He. The actual words just make me feel clumsy and well, a freak. I know I'm not, but your right its getting over that social conditioning. I just need to slow down and take it as it comes.
DeleteIt is a very difficult challenge that many of us face. I recommend that you take Conina's advice and send her an email.
ReplyDeleteI have several very good kinkster friends that I communicate with on a regular basis and we are very open and honest with each other. Know that you are note alone and that we all try to help each other.
Big Hug,
joey
Thank you so much Joey, it does help to have some one of like mind to talk to. Vanilla friends either think I'm abused or mental. Lol maybe both. I'll be sure to email Conina.
Delete*hugs*. Taking the step to communicate is better than not trying at all, even if you feel like it didn't go that well. It's all a process...and remember that it's unfolding beautifully, even on the difficult days.
ReplyDeleteThanks Renee, talking about what's bothering me is part of my submission actually. I have been trying very hard to get everything out in the open. Before all of this I just let it build and build and eventually I would snap and go nuclear on Him. Poor guy.
DeleteI agree about writing- sometimes it is easier because you can edit for clarity instead of just doing the word vomit face to face. Hang in there and keep trying.
ReplyDeleteWord vomit, Lmao. Very good description. If I didn't write things down I would never get anything said. Kind of why I started blogging. Everyone needs an outlet.
DeleteI feel the same on some days and I try to focus on my submission....
ReplyDeleteMe too, but some days you just need more than others.
DeleteHUGS been there... and we all seem to visit again and again...
ReplyDeleteemail if you like... I rant with some of the other ladies here and it really helps.
i can't offer you much by way of help, but i can listen... or read =)
(writing a letter doesn't really do it for me. I find that sometimes the tone gets misinterpreted. so in the past when i needed to organise my thoughts i would write/note them down and then read from my "script" in front of him...)
Thank you, its so nice to have all of you here. I tried to just do the key points and we discussed each one on its own. Seemed to work better than shoving it all into a letter. Sort of like text messages, so easy for miscommunication.
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