Who, what, and why?

There are times that I think about how I got to this point in life. I never planned on being a submissive, it's really not something you try to do. I didn't just wake up one day thinking " hmmm I think I'd like to be punished when I do something wrong". When I first realized where I was headed, I took to the internet to find answers. BAD IDEA! I found everything from daddy issues to mental illness. Which I have neither. Ok I might have some daddy issues but thats a whole nother story (which won't be told here).

Becoming a submissive was a gradual thing. It started with my first serious relationship. He wanted to be topped and while it was fun and sexy I just couldn't relate. It was like playing dress up, I wasn't that person and was only pretending for him. Eventually he caught on that it wasn't a natural role for me and we switched. I guess he was my first official dominant. We never used those identifiers though, BDSM wasnt in the media and as well known then. I learned a lot about what I liked and what I needed to be satisfied. The relationship didn't end well. I think in the end we had both only pretended to be happy all along.

I was involved for a short time with someone who I was totally honest with about my submissive side. We were not a good match but it was very freeing to speak openly about it without the fear of judgement. No matter the amount of love two people have for each other there will always be doubt. Will we make it? Will this finally be the real deal? Can I share the most private things about myself and not be judged?

I believe sex is a very important part of a good relationship, and in the past whenever the sex was lacking I'd feel undeserving and unattractive. Now I'm trying to learn to submit to HIM and makes my needs known. It did take me years to really start to be honest about my needs as a submissive, which we are only now getting deeper into. I wonder if its an ingrained thing for naturally submissive people to have such a hard time talking about our needs? Seems that way to me at least.

So now here we are going on 3yrs of marriage and trying to muddle our way through all of this. It's freeing to share my deepest wishes and thoughts. Yes I'm still scared of the unknown but id rather be myself and be afraid of what happens next than to pretend to be someone else.